GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
