His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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