I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
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