Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize