Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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