Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
