I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
