I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
