I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
