Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
false alarm, still single
Randomize
