At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
