Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
