community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
