Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
