i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
