I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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