If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
