Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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