someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
