Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
