i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
