last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
