I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize