Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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