god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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