Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
