he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
