If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
