my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
