i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
