His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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