one word: firstdatebathroomanal
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
is it fun? or sober?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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