Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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