the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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