you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
