On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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