Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
