yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
