I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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