On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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