Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
