Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
