I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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