I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
