Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
