You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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