My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The adults are the big ones right?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize