Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
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