I met the friendliest cop last night
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
