Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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