I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
