fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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