The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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