I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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