My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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