I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
