1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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