It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize