God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
