I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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