just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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